Ain't That a Pip
by Ashi-Grey
Summary: In a very different Plum family, twenty-something Edna Plum gets fired from EE Martin and blackmails a job off Vinnie. AU


**AIN'T THAT A PIP**

_- and all those other things your mother never told you -_

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{ Chapter 1 }

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It turned out, being a bounty hunter was even better than I'd suspected. I got to carry a gun without the inconvenience of sleeping with a cop to get off the carrying concealed charge, no one asked any awkward questions about the handcuffs in my purse, and it pissed my mother off to all high hell.

My mom, Helen Plum, is everything a 'Burg girl is supposed to be. I like to think I got genetic revenge for that. My dad, Frank Plum, has survived his sentence of life-long normalcy like a true trooper; silently and grimly, with a reverence for food and the TV. My grandma, Stephanie, was an odd mix of my mom and me. Some days, she moaned like a past the sell by date hooker over mom's pineapple upside down cake. Other days, she chain-ate Tastycakes while mom tippled over my latest escapade.

Mostly Mom and Grandma Steph were reduced to their respective vices by my misdemeanors. On the odd occasion, my sister Valerie the Virgin added her own drama. Turns out immaculate conception really is possible… either that or, god forbid, she actually slept with that limp lettuce and was too embarrassed to admit it. Now I'm all for a good bit of fun but a girl's gotta draw the line somewhere, y'know?

It all started when I was down on my luck. EE Martin didn't want me after they found out I'd been getting most of my customers by modeling the panties for them. Personally I don't know what their problem was. I was their most successful employee, in sales at least. Anyway, they fired my pantie-clad ass, which naturally put me at a bit of a disadvantage, payments wise.

I was doing fine until the hot repo-man somehow got switched for Lenny the Looser (or whatever his name was). I heard it from my girls at the Clip 'n' Curl first, so at least I was expecting it, but that didn't make it much better when that idiot showed up. He seemed right interested in my hockey jersey and biker shorts, which was all the incentive I needed to roll my window up and speed off. There was a bit of a bump as I did so, and a glance in my rear-view told me the bump had been his foot. He was hopping up and down like I'd put termites in his pants, and screaming blue murder. I took that at face value, and laid rubber.

When I pulled up at my parent's house, I was flush from the excitement of my high-speed car chase. I sat for a moment getting my breath back, then hurried up the path. I loved family dinners. It was free food and entertainment all in one.

"Is it true that Rodney, the butcher, got himself out of a wife for doing kinky things with dead animals?" I asked, just after Mom had a slurp of her wine. She choked, and got it up her nose rather than doing the sensible thing and spitting it out on the table cloth.

"Edna, where on earth do you hear these things?!" She spluttered "Good lord."

Grandma Steph ate her pot roast faster, and Dad hit his forehead with a muttered 'hunh'.

"It's all over town. I can't believe you haven't heard." I told her "Apparently it was a pig."

"A pig!" My Dad said, and looked across the dinner table with desperate eyes "Pass the gravy."

I did as asked, and watched with gleeful blue eyes as he loaded his plate up for the second time.

"Oh yeah. I heard it wasn't even a female pig."

Mom put her knife and fork down and stared at me sternly "That is quite enough. Quite enough! Don't think I don't know you make up all of the stories that go round this place, Edna. It's not nice to say things like that. It ruins people's lives!"

I thought she was being a bit dramatic. I only made up _most_ of the stories. Think how boring this place would be without me!

"How's EE Martin?" Grandma asked, after a moment of silence

Mom's fist tightened around her wine glass. She still didn't like that I sold sexy lingerie.

"Oh, I don't really know. I got fired."

"Fired?!" Mom gasped out "Why?"

I wasn't really sure how to put it so I didn't get banned from the dinner table for the rest of my life "My marketing technique wasn't approved of by upper management."

"Why not?" Grandma Steph asked, looking concerned "I thought you were good at sales! Didn't you win that employee award for the most sales?"

I nodded "Yeah, but that's before they found out how I was selling stuff."

Mom looked suspicious already. Dad had long ago given up pretense and was staring longingly in the direction of the TV.

"What do you mean, 'how you were selling stuff'?" Mom prodded

"Well, c'mon, it's lingerie. How else was I supposed to sell it?"

* * *

I stopped at the corner shop on the way home and grabbed some batteries and one of them car freshener thingies. It was starting to smell a bit hinky, and although the idea of leaving gone-off dog food in the boot to discourage repossession by Lenny the Looser had seemed great, in actuality it stank. A few blocks from my apartment, I drove past an old house with a for-sale sign out front. The garage door was ajar, so I pulled up with a sneaky glance around.

Feeling particularly ninja-like, I grabbed my gun from in the glove box, and snook up the drive to peer in the garage. It was pretty much empty, and there was no sign of life from the house either. I hauled the door open, choked myself on a cloud of dust, and backed my convertible in. I eventually got the door fully shut again, and pleased with my forward planning, headed the remainder of the distance home on foot. Try and steal my car now, Looser!

My apartment was on the top floor, and I took the stairs on account of there being a couple who looked hot and heavy on the petting side waiting to get the elevator too. I gave them a wink as I passed, and my amused chuckles carried me all the way up the stairs. My door swung open on well oiled hinges, and I toed my shoes off at the door. I got out my new batteries, and my favorite vibrator, and enjoyed myself so much I woke up still smiling the next morning.

I fuelled up on cereal and a bannana, then dressed in the biker shorts from the day before, a sports bra and a loose running top. I gave the matter a little consideration, then tucked my gun in the back of the shorts and my car keys in the top of the bra. I took the elevator so I could admire myself in the mirror as I did my stretches, and hit the grimy, sooty side-walk at a comfortable run. I took my usual route, and managed to get back to my car's hidey place. Everything was going fine, until I found out why the door had been left ajar the day before. It seemed, once closed, there was nothing anyone could do to get the damned thing to open again. My car was trapped.

Naturally, that wasn't the end of my early morning excitement. I figured there would be at least a window, if not a door, round the back somewhere. I hit gold after scrabbling through the overgrown shrubs right at the back of the garage in the form of a spider-ridden window. It seemed rude to smash the glass, and I didn't want to risk tearing my clothes, so I did the sensible thing and shot the catch. Turned out I hadn't really thought it through, because although I was lucky and didn't get much in the way of splinters to the face, I certainly got a face-full of half dead spiders. I wiped them off with only a fairly mild shriek, and hefted the window open.

The garage looked very, very dark inside, but undeterred I hoisted myself through the gap and waved my feet around trying to find purchase. Turned out there was some sort of shelving, which I got a foot on. After that, it was relatively easy to hop down to the floor. I tried the door from the inside with no luck, so instead I plugged my keys in and turned the headlights on. Finally able to see what I was doing, I gave the door another go. This time I got it open enough to peer one eyeball out, but for love nor money could I get it open any further. I sat down on the hood of my car and wondered what on earth I was going to do. It was still early - the clock on the dash told me it was just past half seven.

I found a length of rope in one corner and unravelled it. I tied it to the door handle and tested the knot, then got lucky in the shape of a hook on the opposite wall. I looped the rope through the hook, and tied it as tight as I could to the front of my car. Then I hopped in, turned the engine over, and reversed back as far as I could go in the small amount of space I had. The rope pulled the door open much further - enough for me to fit out through the gap. Sadly, it was no where near enough to fit my car out, but it had managed to just about unstick the door. A few good shoves, and we were in business. It was eerily reminiscence of sex with my dick of an ex-husband, Harry.

I hopped in and gunned it out of there. A man across the street was stood in his dressing gown, paper in hand, staring at me in disbelief. I flipped him the bird, cranked up the music, and motored away.

It was an excellent start to a morning. I could already hear my mother's phone ringing.

After that I went home for a shower, and tried to work out what I was going to do for a job. I'd put word out that I was looking for something, so I rang round everyone I could think of just in case something had come up.

Tina Rossoli, an old classmate, was the only person with any good news.

"My big sister, Connie? Yeah, she works at the bonds office…"

"The one my weasel of a sex freak cousin runs?" I asked

"Yeah, that one. Well, she did say something about a job. I'm not sure what it was though. Could be anything."

I thanked her and hung up. Sounded perfect. I had enough blackmail on my cousin that I could get that job, no why-were-you-fired-again questions asked.

The bonds office was quiet when I got there. Connie Rossoli seemed amused enough at how I got fired.

"Sex must run in the Plum family." She said

"I wasn't sleeping with all of them." I defended myself "Just the hot ones."

"But you were stripping for all of them."

I thought for a moment "I like to think of it more as advertisement. Anyway, is Vinnie in?"

She gestured towards the door "It's locked. I wouldn't go in if I were you."

I took her advice seriously. Last I heard, it had been a duck. And there were chains and whips and so on involved. Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing wrong with chains and whips, but the duck was a bit out of my comfort zone. Turns out I really wasn't the worst sex fiend in the family.

I banged on the door "Vinnie, I got words I want to have with you!"

There was a muffled curse, then what sounded to all goodness like a cow.

"There better not be a cow in there with you!" I yelled "So help me god I'll shoot you if you're fucking a cow! Get out here now!"

The door flew open and Vinnie stormed out. There wasn't a cow, but his laptop was open, emitting farmyard noises. I tried not to think about it.

"Edna." Vinnie snarked "What can I help you with?"

"I want a job."

There was a beat when Vinnie looked me up and down "Didn't know you were into incest." He said.

Naturally, I pulled my gun on him "I'm not." I told him.

"Oh." He said, staring cross eyed down the barrel of my gun "Oh right."

Vinnie wasn't too keen to give me the only job available other than incest. Seems they'd just filled the filing post, and all that remained was a stand-in bounty hunter.

"Ain't that a pip!" I said, beaming "I'd make a great bounty hunter."

Vinnie curled a top lip at me "I don't think I could turn you loose on society with a legal reason to carry handcuffs and a gun."

I'm pretty sure my smile got wider "Oh, well. Say, how is your father in law these days? I wonder if he knows about the duck."

Vinnie paled but, surprisingly remained firm.

"I know for sure he doesn't know about Joyce." I added "Or the trained dog." I paused to wonder if actually those two were the same things.

"How'd you know about that?" Vinnie squeaked out, then turned to Connie "Fine, give her the damned job. Get her to sign that disclaimer though won't you. I don't want her death on my bank account."

It's always nice to know your family care about you.

Connie offered me the pick of various baddies. I selected three - two easy, one a little harder.

Connie eyed the files I'd picked out as she slid the disclaimer over the desk to me "A shoplifter, a possession, and a pissed off ex-girlfriend. Not a bad selection to start with. Why'd you pick those ones, out of interest?"

I pointed at the shoplifter "I think I slept with him a few months ago, so I figured he'd be pretty easy. The possession because he looked cute, and the ex-girlfriend because it sounded like good gossip."

Connie looked a little disturbed at my reasoning. It was nothing I wasn't used to, so I headed out with a cheery wave. I made it to my car just as a repo-company truck rounded the corner towards me, and I sped off with the sound of yelling in my ears. They gave a go at following me, but I know the 'Burg streets better than most, and I've got the speeding tickets to prove it. They didn't stand a chance.

I parked in front of the shoplifter's place. It was defiantly familiar, so I undid another shirt button and got my cuffs out ready. I knew carrying them in my handbag would come in lucky for reasons other than kink one day.

I knocked on the door. The shoplifter, Sam, answered. He looked from the handcuffs dangling off my finger to my cleavage, and presented his wrists to me with a wide grin.

I don't think he realized anything was off until I drove to the station and hauled his ass inside.

"Uh, Eddie, what's going on?" He asked me nervously, struggling a little "I thought… you had handcuffs…"

My friends, Carl, Big Dog and my whatever-relative-he-was Eddie Gazarra all seemed to find this absolutely hysterical, once the situation had been explained. Unfortunately, in between their snickers, they explained I couldn't just become a bounty hunter just like that. As funny as it was that I'd snuck handcuffs on a guy who wasn't expecting it.

"But that's what I always do." I said, wondering how they'd not heard the Edna-handcuffing rumors.

Eddie shook his head "We used to run round in our diapers together. There are some things a guy doesn't need to know about his cousin-in-law.

"Look, you can't just become a bounty hunter because you feel like it. You need a permit, and you have to follow the laws, and you need some sort of training at least. You can't go from selling panties to catching baddies without learning some new tricks."

I looked over at where Sam the Shoplifter was getting processed "Well, hot damn. You sure? 'Cos that looked pretty successful to me."

I waved my body receipt in his face

Eddie sighed "Look, ask Connie. She'll know someone who can help you out just while you start. Please, Edna."

I grudgingly agreed, but only because he's family.

Connie was impressed I'd already got a body receipt, and amused at my misfortunate run in with my cop-friends.

"I know a guy." Connie admitted "Ricardo Carlos Mañoso, he owes me a favor. I'll give him a call."

I smiled in thanks and headed out while she paged him. I made a run to Tasty Pastry for Connie while we waited for him to return the call, and grabbed myself some lunch, before banking my very first ever check as a bounty hunter (but not before a commemorative photo of it was taken on my phone). I got back and handed Connie her donuts, and refused the one she offered me.

"You think I look this good because I won the genetic lottery? Have you _seen_ my cousin?!"

Connies eyes rolled down my figure, over my 34D's, my small waist and my shaped, if short, legs. She looked back at me and then down at her donut.

"Damn, if I thought I could look like that I might just stop eating these." She told me, before tucking into the donut "Guess I just don't have the willpower." She said round a mouthful.

I laughed "See, I get my happy in other ways, y'know what I'm saying?"

Connie shook her head with a wry smile "I'm gonna regret working with two Plum's, aren't I?"

"Hey now! My moral code stops short of anything _too_ furry. At least there's that, right?" I pointed out, but there wasn't really much malice in my words. My sexploits were old news in the 'Burg.

"Anyway, I heard back from Ranger. He said he'll pick you up from here in about half an hour, and you can tag along with him for the day and see if you pick some things up." Connie said "He'll probably be here soon."

Eager to meet the man Connie described as Dirty Harry, I hung around doing some filing while I waited for him to arrive. Connie watched me busy around as she painted her nails.

"You always this… full of energy?" She asked

I looked up from my frantic organizing "No, but I haven't had a social orgasm in two days. I'll get it sorted tonight."

Connie gaped at me "Two days? Two days?! Girl, I haven't had a social orgasm in a good two months! Jesus, you're like the energizer bunny!"

Just then, the door swung open and in strode the kind of man-flesh that us girls dream of, then wake up wet.

"Holy hot flash you're beautiful." I breathed, dropping the file I'd been holding "Please tell me you're here to kidnap me and keep me as a sex slave."

He actually looked surprised - his dark eyes widened a fraction, and he stared at me. Then he shook his head and turned to Connie "Is this her?"

Connie nodded mutely, then nodded towards me "Edna, this is Ranger."

I gussied myself up and told my hormones to shut up and ship out. I stuck out a hand. He took it and shook it, dwarfing my hand with his. I promised myself I'd find myself someone willing to give me an orgasm as a matter of priority this evening.

"Any files for me, Connie?" Ranger asked. Connie handed over a bunch of files, and then watched as Ranger put a hand on the small of my back and pushed me out of the door in front of him. He led me outside to a huge black monster of an SUV, and zapped it open.

"Hop in." He told me.

I looked from the SUV to my little convertible. I could practically smell the waiting repo-men. I patted the red paint forlornly, ran a mental inventory to make sure I wasn't leaving anything in my car I'd be upset to lose, then hoisted myself up his huge black monster.

Now didn't that sound good.

The engine roared, and he pulled out into the traffic.

"You got a gun?" He asked after a while. I had been busily trying to remember where we were going in case I needed to get myself back again "And handcuffs?"

I nodded "Yeah, I got them."

He nodded back "Can you use them?"

"What's the point in having them if you can't use them?" I asked, a little surprised he'd asked such a daft question. "I'm especially good with my handcuffs."

He glanced at me out of the corner of his eye and smiled a big, high-wattage grin. "You're funny. This here's gonna be like Henry Higgins and Eliza Doolittle does Trenton."

I grinned back. "Don't worry Eliza." I told him "You're in good hands with me."

* * *

He pulled up on a street a few blocks from Stark. He turned in his seat to eye me sternly.

"I'm going to knock on the front. I want you to wait round back. You shouldn't have to do anything, but if you do just make sure you don't let anyone out. Yell if you have any troubles."

I nodded and patted my pocketbook. My gun was perched in the phone-holding pocket, so I could get it easily, and various other weapons were nestled in the debris (my red lipstick, my little black book of Burg gossip and my favorite purple furry cuffs to name a few). Ranger pointed me to a side alley so I could get round the back, and headed up the front steps himself.

Initially it was really exciting, standing in an alley with my hand on my gun and my eyes trained on a door. It got old pretty fast. I contemplated sitting down, but I wasn't sure what might have peed in the alley, so I refrained.

Then, just when I'd convinced myself nothing was more boring than back door duty, the door opened with a loud bang and a man shot out, barreling into me. We rolled over and over with his momentum, and by some stroke of luck I came out on top. I stared down at him from my perch straddling him, and fished my cuffs out of my bag.

Ranger limped through the door after him, holding a hand to his leg.

"I got him!" I called "I got him!"

"I can see that, babe."

Ranger unlocked the SUV and I shoved the guy in. Ranger caught sight of the purple fur. He stared at it for a moment, then stared at me.

"What?" I said "It's just a bit of fur."

He shook his head and got his own cuffs out, swopping them. The skip looked a bit dazed, but still had it in him to laugh as Ranger replaced my cuffs with regulations ones.

"Bet she's a spitfire in bed." The skip chuckled "Bet you can't keep up with her. Hey, sugar, you wanna see if I can keep up with you?"

I eyed him up and down. He was small and wiry, with tattoos up and down his arms and a crooked nose.

"Don't worry. I know you couldn't keep up with me." I said, then hopped in the SUV, turning to Ranger. "Can we go now?"

Ranger heaved himself up into the driver's seat, then looked down at his leg. I hadn't realized before, but it seemed to be bleeding quite a lot considering how little fuss he'd made about it.

"Um, might wanna put a band-aid on that." I recommended

He looked at me incredulously "I think I'll get the bullet out of it first, thanks."

"There's a bullet still in your leg?!" I asked, peering over the console to try and see. The rip in his work pants was only minimal so I hadn't considered there being a bullet in his leg! "Shit, does it hurt?"

He gave me a look that told me I'd just asked yet another ridiculous question.

"You want me to drive?" I offered tentatively.

It looked like to admit he'd rather I drove was more painful than the injury, but he did relinquish the keys to me and swop seats. The SUV's horsepower was a whole herd more horses than I was used to, but damned if I didn't enjoy trying.

We careered off down the street, and I had to swerve to avoid the parked cars - it was a bit like a video game, y'know those retro ones where you have to avoid the blocks coming at you? Ranger didn't say a word, just kept a hand on his gunshot wound and a barely visible grimace on his face. Everything was going relatively swimmingly - I was making my way in a somewhat roundabout manner towards the station, and I hadn't even been pulled over for speeding.

Then I turned the corner, station in sight, and going the other way was the god damned repo truck, with my convertible on the back.

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_Hopefully it's not so odd that people are put off by it! Please leave a review if you have a moment, and I'll do my very best to review one of yours in return. _

_Just so people are aware: I'm British, and I'm trying to pretend to be American so I can write this... if you spot (and I'm sure you will) any blatant British-ness, please point it out and I'll change it. _

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_Thank you!_


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